Happy Twenty Ten!!

Last night, I reflected on the last 15 years of life, through my journals.  I laughed out loud and cried equally as much.   Now, I KNOW I am not alone when it comes to reflection of the past and the dreams of the future. 

While reading my journals, I rediscovered that I am a very happy and joyful person all the way to the core of my inner soul.  I "thought" the prior statement was lost somewhere within me, hard to access like a scratched record.  In fact, it was never lost, nor hard to access.  I access it daily. 

The major thing that I keep revisiting in my mind and through the journals, is called "CARE".   My counselor told me once, or five times, that I care too much.  What?!!  How could anyone not care too much for others and life in general?   Looking back on the journals...I told me one thing, yep, I care much, and love deeply.  I still don't think that is necessarily a "bad" thing, but I do know it was a source of unhappiness...especially in the last 2 years. 

My personal opinion is that it's not the caring that causes unhappiness...it's the sense of not being able to immediately fix the things we care about. My own personal belief is that if we dedicate ourselves to handling our part we should be happy that we are making a difference (even if in just a small way) and accept that not every problem can or will be fixed by our efforts alone. We can hope, however, that our action might inspire others to do the same.

I can't fix several things that I "wish" could be fixed

• I can't fix the fact that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia
• I can't fix the broken marriage...lord knows I tried and wanted to.  (this has been a huge source of sadness over what might have been.  But neither of us were the perfect Virgo)
• I can't fix the fact that my son died
• I can't fix the past of myself or others

Although, I WISH I could change all of the above things the fact is..."It is what it is."  and "it" is LIFE.  Say it outloud, Life is what Life is.  Profound, huh?!!

I took this picture in September.  It had a very profound effect on me, because we can have things that can bind us in life, but we do not have to be bound by it to continue to bloom.

What I Can do...

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  Put RA in the back pocket (although, I'd like to hock it!)  and accept the change.  I will not let it define me nor continue to tell me that I am "damaged goods
  
  
  
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  Allow others back in
  
  
  
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  Never lose who I am again
  
  
  
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  Soften my heart and let go of the learned fear to love again
  
  
  
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  Always, always remember the love, laughter and joy that a child can bring to life daily.  And TEACH them how to love and care for others by example
  
  
  

So with a new year..."We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day."
Edith Lovejoy Pierce.

50 years of someone's life

The last few weeks have been way too busy for RA comfort, and my unwanted friend is starting to tell me so. I HAVE to keep trudging along, as Sunday is a big day for my parents. They are renewing their vows said oh so long ago.


As I sit here this morning, I find myself thinking about what has gone on in the last 50 years. (I am only 47, so some of it is just imagination)

We all could not discover and share each other's worlds 50 years ago. WOW, now ain't that somethin'!

One thing that I keep thinking about is how far the health care world has come. Yesterday, I seen a little huddled up lady struggling to walk through the store. Of course, I already knew that she had RA, no need to ask another sufferer who was not given the opportunity of medications like Embrel, Rituxan, Orencia or Humara. I asked her if she would let me help her with her grocery cart, as I wanted to talk to her.

As we walked very slowly through the isles, I asked her how long she had RA. She looked up at me the very best she could and said, "a long hard 35 years." I wanted to cry right then and there for many reasons. Some of which were my own selfish, yet, grateful reasons. Selfish because at times I feel "cheated" by RA. Grateful because of the medications that have come along in my lifetime to avoid some of the pain and suffering that little ole Lydia has suffered. Bless her sweet heart.

I asked Lydia what she took for pain and she said, "anything I can find to give me a moment of rest from these ole bones." Then she said, "I eat gin soaked raisins, don't think they work, but they sure taste good and keep my plumbing working." Ah, the words of the wise. I had to laugh at her.

I hope this post finds friends from around the world safe, happy and wise.
Let's see where the next 50 years takes us.

Name Change

Yesterday, my dad called me Little Miss Muffet. It took me home, to a time in childhood, when life was simple and uncomplicated.

It felt good.

My dearest friends called (and still do) me Weenie. For years, I had a license plate that had the letters "WeKnee".
I used to watch people in the rear view mirror...trying to sound it out...then show a snicker, or all out laugh.

Life was simple then too!

So, today I decided to change the name of my blog! It will bring new life and laughter to the blog. Anyone want to post some good jokes???

Have a beautiful Saturday....
Arlene
aka Little Miss Muffet or Weenie ;)

Poem I wrote, while my marriage crumbled

You said you wanted me more than anything in life

Even asked me to be your wife

The day so beautiful, happy and more
Then the love went down to the floor

The wall came up

I tried to climb up and in

But I could not do it again and again
Which way should I turn

Which way should I go

The answer to this, I don’t even know
I wanted your love

Even begged and pleaded

But I was not what you needed
The smile you once said was bright

Has turned into the gray of the night

Into the darkness I had turned

Even thou, for you I still yearned
I could not compete with what’s in your head, the computer, or even our bed!

Some times it made me feel so dreadful and dead!
I vowed to love you with all of my might

But into the night and out of sight, you choose what you wanted for your delight
Please open your heart and let the wall free

See that someone loved you...that someone was me