Last night, I reflected on the last 15 years of life, through my journals. I laughed out loud and cried equally as much. Now, I KNOW I am not alone when it comes to reflection of the past and the dreams of the future.
While reading my journals, I rediscovered that I am a very happy and joyful person all the way to the core of my inner soul. I "thought" the prior statement was lost somewhere within me, hard to access like a scratched record. In fact, it was never lost, nor hard to access. I access it daily.
The major thing that I keep revisiting in my mind and through the journals, is called "CARE". My counselor told me once, or five times, that I care too much. What?!! How could anyone not care too much for others and life in general? Looking back on the journals...I told me one thing, yep, I care much, and love deeply. I still don't think that is necessarily a "bad" thing, but I do know it was a source of unhappiness...especially in the last 2 years.
My personal opinion is that it's not the caring that causes unhappiness...it's the sense of not being able to immediately fix the things we care about. My own personal belief is that if we dedicate ourselves to handling our part we should be happy that we are making a difference (even if in just a small way) and accept that not every problem can or will be fixed by our efforts alone. We can hope, however, that our action might inspire others to do the same.
I can't fix several things that I "wish" could be fixed
- I can't fix the fact that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia
- I can't fix the broken marriage...lord knows I tried and wanted to. (this has been a huge source of sadness over what might have been. But neither of us were the perfect Virgo)
- I can't fix the fact that my son died
- I can't fix the past of myself or others
I took this picture in September. It had a very profound effect on me, because we can have things that can bind us in life, but we do not have to be bound by it to continue to bloom.
What I Can do...
Put RA in the back pocket (although, I'd like to hock it!) and accept the change. I will not let it define me nor continue to tell me that I am "damaged goods
Allow others back in
Never lose who I am again
Soften my heart and let go of the learned fear to love again
Always, always remember the love, laughter and joy that a child can bring to life daily. And TEACH them how to love and care for others by example
Edith Lovejoy Pierce.