Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy Twenty Ten!!

Last night, I reflected on the last 15 years of life, through my journals.  I laughed out loud and cried equally as much.   Now, I KNOW I am not alone when it comes to reflection of the past and the dreams of the future. 

While reading my journals, I rediscovered that I am a very happy and joyful person all the way to the core of my inner soul.  I "thought" the prior statement was lost somewhere within me, hard to access like a scratched record.  In fact, it was never lost, nor hard to access.  I access it daily. 

The major thing that I keep revisiting in my mind and through the journals, is called "CARE".   My counselor told me once, or five times, that I care too much.  What?!!  How could anyone not care too much for others and life in general?   Looking back on the journals...I told me one thing, yep, I care much, and love deeply.  I still don't think that is necessarily a "bad" thing, but I do know it was a source of unhappiness...especially in the last 2 years. 

My personal opinion is that it's not the caring that causes's the sense of not being able to immediately fix the things we care about. My own personal belief is that if we dedicate ourselves to handling our part we should be happy that we are making a difference (even if in just a small way) and accept that not every problem can or will be fixed by our efforts alone. We can hope, however, that our action might inspire others to do the same.

I can't fix several things that I "wish" could be fixed
  • I can't fix the fact that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia
  • I can't fix the broken marriage...lord knows I tried and wanted to(this has been a huge source of sadness over what might have been.  But neither of us were the perfect Virgo)
  • I can't fix the fact that my son died
  • I can't fix the past of myself or others
Although, I WISH I could change all of the above things the fact is..."It is what it is."  and "it" is LIFE.  Say it outloud, Life is what Life is.  Profound, huh?!!

I took this picture in September.  It had a very profound effect on me, because we can have things that can bind us in life, but we do not have to be bound by it to continue to bloom.

What I Can do...

  • Put RA in the back pocket (although, I'd like to hock it!)  and accept the change.  I will not let it define me nor continue to tell me that I am "damaged goods

  • Allow others back in

  • Never lose who I am again

  • Soften my heart and let go of the learned fear to love again

  • Always, always remember the love, laughter and joy that a child can bring to life daily.  And TEACH them how to love and care for others by example

So with a new year..."We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day."
Edith Lovejoy Pierce.


Anonymous said...

I found you on the Gastric Bypass website and came to this location. I do have to say you write very beautiful. I am sorry to hear of the sad things in your life. The seem to have helped you grow strong. I will pray you have a great year in 2010. I have had to learn how to love again and not push away this past year. I am still working on it, it is very difficult especially when the one you are having to learn to let love you is the same one that pushed you away years ago.

BattyBeader said...

Anonymous, thank you for your note and the compliments. Yes, somedays I am very strong and others...well. We both know that one.

Learning to love again is probably the MOST difficult thing to do after a severe heartache. My ex accused and refused to believe that I was truthful to him. I have since learned that it was his way to "blame" me for the problems in the marriage. Not that I was an innocent bystander...we all have a past and pain that transends into our present.
When we have been pushed away, kept at a distance or at arm's length from someone that we want to love so desperately, can hurt beyond anything life brings to us.
Be cautious with your heart, because if this person pushed you away and has not dealt with the reasons why...they may do it once again and will leave you feeling empty and alone. And wondering what "you" are doing wrong. Have you heard of the term "people pleasers"?
I recently read a book called, EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL. Very powerful book, and a great read.

I too pray that Twenty Ten is a great year for you as well. Stay strong and never give up who "you" are.

Have a beautiful day!